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Ossie Moore Marathon Post all your Ossie jokes here.... Rate Topic: -----

#1 User is offline   sandclan 

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  Posted 11 August 2004 - 08:40 PM

I'll start off with ............

One day the teacher came in the class and told the students
they would play a game. She told them to close their eyes, she
then said "I have something in my hand I used to write with"
One student replied "A pen mam"
She said " No, it is a piece of chalk but that shows you are
thinking"
She said " I have something to read"
Another studdent replied " An exercise book mam"
She said "No, it is a text book but that shows you are thinking"
Ossie Moore jumped up and said" Please teachuh I got someting
in mah pants da's long an' hard an' gotta head"
The teacher said "You dirty boy go to the headmaster's office"
Ossie replied " Itsa nail but dat shows ya thinking!!"
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#2 User is offline   The Captain 

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Posted 12 August 2004 - 10:09 AM

biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif
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#3 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 21 August 2004 - 12:24 AM

Little Ossie Moore watched the teacher start the science experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.
Third worm in sperm -- dead.
Fourth worm in soil -- alive.

So the teacher asked the class -- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Ossie quickly raised his hand and said ....
"As long as ya drink, smoke, and have sex, ya won't have nuh worms!" biggrin.gif
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#4 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 22 August 2004 - 10:15 PM

Ossie Moore walked the length and breath of Swan St ,and Broad St, looking for a special cap......one with the peak behind. All he came across had peaks in front
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#5 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 23 August 2004 - 09:54 PM

One day Ossie was going down the road when nature made it's call.
Ossie couldn't hold it no more so he stop behind Miss Brathwaite
palin to relieve himself.
While Ossie was peeing, PC Brown come up the road.
"Ossie Wha' you doin' dey?"
"You ain' know dat is agains' de law", hollered PC Brown.
"No Officer, but I mus' beg yuh pardon", replied Ossie.
"It is against de palin."
huh.gif
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#6 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 23 August 2004 - 09:55 PM

Now all of you know that Ossie was a real ugly fellow.
One day, Ossie went in the country to ketch a monkey. When the
monkey smelled Ossie coming he took off as fast as he could run.
But Ossie was a quick fellow - faster than Obadelle - so he closed in on
the monkey real quick. When the monkey looked back and sees Ossie up
behind him, the monkey breathes a sigh of relief an said to Ossie:
"wha hapnin’ bro de chasing you too?"
huh.gif
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#7 User is offline   Serendipity 

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Posted 24 August 2004 - 02:16 AM

The only Ossie Joke that comes to mind is ......

Ossie had gotten frequent warning from P C Brown about not having a licence for his donkey cart. The last time he'd passed P C Brown, Brown said that next time it would result in a ticket and a hefty fine. The next time Ossie saw P C Brown, he quickly jumped down from the donkey cart, lifted the donkey into the cart, put the harness around his own body and pulled the cart down the street.

When Ossie got along side the policeman, Brown said "Ossie lemme see yuh licence". To which Ossie replied, "Wuh yuh asking me fuh, ask de driver!" wink.gif
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#8 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 25 August 2004 - 08:54 PM

One day Ossie Moore was in school, that was a miracle in itself..
So the Art teacher was so surprised to see him there, said, "Please
do me a drawing of something that you see every day."

So Ossie was racking his brain cell so bad, after half an hour went back to
the teacher and said. "I caan tink of anyting to draw I stuck maan."

The teacher so dumbfounded said, " Well draw me anything you like,
just do a drawing for me, please."

Ossie then quickly drew a dot right in the middle of the paper
and handed it to the teacher. She looked at Ossie, with a rather
bemused expression, and then said " What, do you call this?? "
Ossie replied, "DAAH is a Aeroplane in the distance!"

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#9 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 12:30 AM

When Ossie was learning to ride his bicycle his mother took him to the park.
Ossie was riding around and around the park.

After a while, Ossie rode by and taking his feet off the pedals, shouted,
"Look Ma, nuh feet!!" Ossie’s mother say, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie took one hand off and shouts, "Look Ma, one
hand !!" Ossie’s mother says, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie took the other hand off and shouts, "Look Ma, nuh
hands!!" Ossie mother says, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie comes walking and pushing his bicycle.
"Whuh happen?", asks Ossie’s mother.

"Look Ma, nuh teeth!!"
ohmy.gif
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#10 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 08:08 PM

Ossie Moore had a bicycle and used to ride to work everyday.
One night Ossie was out drinking with the boys and next morning
he over slept. When Ossie jumps up, he was about an hour late.
Ossie puts on his clothes and rushes down the road. A fellow sees
Ossie going down the road fast, fast, fast with the bicycle upon top
his head. He asks Ossie "Wha he doin' wid de bicycle pun top he head?"
Ossie tells him, "Man I sa late fuh work I en got no time to get on
pun de bicycle."
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#11 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 26 August 2004 - 11:05 PM

This fellow was outside the rumshop, having a few, as it was his birthday, getting on bad and and asking people to guess how old he was.
Ossie More look at him and said, "Man you got to be 48 years old". The drunk was surprised, 'Ya right there, how you know."
Ossie replied, " I got a brother 24 years old ,and he is a haf-a idiot."
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#12 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 27 August 2004 - 06:22 PM

Ossie went to the shop one morning to buy some fish cakes and some
rock cakes. When he gets home he start to eat a fish cake and he
noticed it had no fish in it. It was nothing but flour and water.
Ossie jumps upon his bicycle and heads back down to the
shop and start bussing the shopkeeper for 'tiefin' he money'
and selling fish cakes that didn't have any fish in them. So the
shopkeeper says, "But Ossie man, lookah wunna rock cakes. They does
got in rocks?"
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#13 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 28 August 2004 - 12:37 PM

Ossie Moore was walking by a big old mango tree one day from school.
He looks up in the tree and sees that it had "nuff nuff manguhs up in dere
an' ting." So he climbs up in the tree and starts feeling the mangos, until he
finds the biggest, juiciest, ripest one there. It was just the one that he wanted to eat.
Ossie then climbs back down the tree and starts pelting rocks at it!
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#14 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 28 August 2004 - 10:58 PM

One day Ossie went down in e father ground and found a yellow bunch of bananas.
Ossie sat down and eat all the bananas except 4,as his belly was full full.
Ossie look at the four bananas, and said , "Ya see wunnah, if i know dis would happen , I would eat you four first"
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#15 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 28 August 2004 - 11:02 PM

Ya hear bout de time, Ossie girl friend laid down in from of he, half naked, and told Ossie to tek wha he want?
Ossies took out the elastic from she panties to mek a gutterperk.
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#16 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 28 August 2004 - 11:07 PM

Ossie got to church late on the Sunday Morning, just as the church was singing the hymn,Holy! Holy! Holy!
Ossie ,shout, "wunnah gimme a chance, I only car way Miss Clarke chicken this morning cause ma muddah in had no meat today,"

This post has been edited by Beep_Beep: 28 August 2004 - 11:12 PM

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#17 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 28 August 2004 - 11:11 PM

The Teacher , said , "Old McDonald had a farm. Ossie spell farm." Ossie replied " E-I-E-I-O."

This post has been edited by Beep_Beep: 28 August 2004 - 11:13 PM

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#18 User is offline   sandclan 

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Posted 29 August 2004 - 10:56 AM

One day Ossie Moore’s mother was making his favorite pie for him because he
had been a good boy all week, and not caused any trouble at school.
So she says to Ossie, “How many pieces do you want me to cut your pie in?
Do you want it cut four pieces or eight pieces?”
Ossie thinks real real hard for a minute or so and says, ”Yo bettah cut it
in four, cause I duhn tink I kin eat eight pieces ah pie!!”
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#19 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 29 August 2004 - 04:02 PM

The first day Ossie lil brother went to school , when he came home , Ossie's mother asked the kid, 'Boy wha ya learn at school today, ? Spell COW."
"Ma", said Ossie , "why ya asking the boy to spell a big ting like a cow, why not ask him to spell something small like a mosquito."
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#20 User is offline   Beep_Beep 

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Posted 29 August 2004 - 11:11 PM

This fellow gave Ossie a ride in his bicycle bar, came to a hill,and he pushed and sweat like never before to get the bicyle over.
As he got to the top of the hill, he said, "Man Ossie you like ya put on a lot o weigt, I had to struggle to get you over that hill."
'Dah in tru", Ossie replied. '" I was holding de brakes on to stop you from runnuing back."
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