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sandclan

Ossie Moore Marathon

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139 posts in this topic

I'll start off with ............

One day the teacher came in the class and told the students

they would play a game. She told them to close their eyes, she

then said "I have something in my hand I used to write with"

One student replied "A pen mam"

She said " No, it is a piece of chalk but that shows you are

thinking"

She said " I have something to read"

Another studdent replied " An exercise book mam"

She said "No, it is a text book but that shows you are thinking"

Ossie Moore jumped up and said" Please teachuh I got someting

in mah pants da's long an' hard an' gotta head"

The teacher said "You dirty boy go to the headmaster's office"

Ossie replied " Itsa nail but dat shows ya thinking!!"

:D

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Little Ossie Moore watched the teacher start the science experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol -- dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.

Third worm in sperm -- dead.

Fourth worm in soil -- alive.

So the teacher asked the class -- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Ossie quickly raised his hand and said ....

"As long as ya drink, smoke, and have sex, ya won't have nuh worms!" :D

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Ossie Moore walked the length and breath of Swan St ,and Broad St, looking for a special cap......one with the peak behind. All he came across had peaks in front

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One day Ossie was going down the road when nature made it's call.

Ossie couldn't hold it no more so he stop behind Miss Brathwaite

palin to relieve himself.

While Ossie was peeing, PC Brown come up the road.

"Ossie Wha' you doin' dey?"

"You ain' know dat is agains' de law", hollered PC Brown.

"No Officer, but I mus' beg yuh pardon", replied Ossie.

"It is against de palin."

:huh:

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Now all of you know that Ossie was a real ugly fellow.

One day, Ossie went in the country to ketch a monkey. When the

monkey smelled Ossie coming he took off as fast as he could run.

But Ossie was a quick fellow - faster than Obadelle - so he closed in on

the monkey real quick. When the monkey looked back and sees Ossie up

behind him, the monkey breathes a sigh of relief an said to Ossie:

"wha hapnin’ bro de chasing you too?"

:huh:

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The only Ossie Joke that comes to mind is ......

Ossie had gotten frequent warning from P C Brown about not having a licence for his donkey cart. The last time he'd passed P C Brown, Brown said that next time it would result in a ticket and a hefty fine. The next time Ossie saw P C Brown, he quickly jumped down from the donkey cart, lifted the donkey into the cart, put the harness around his own body and pulled the cart down the street.

When Ossie got along side the policeman, Brown said "Ossie lemme see yuh licence". To which Ossie replied, "Wuh yuh asking me fuh, ask de driver!" ;)

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One day Ossie Moore was in school, that was a miracle in itself..

So the Art teacher was so surprised to see him there, said, "Please

do me a drawing of something that you see every day."

So Ossie was racking his brain cell so bad, after half an hour went back to

the teacher and said. "I caan tink of anyting to draw I stuck maan."

The teacher so dumbfounded said, " Well draw me anything you like,

just do a drawing for me, please."

Ossie then quickly drew a dot right in the middle of the paper

and handed it to the teacher. She looked at Ossie, with a rather

bemused expression, and then said " What, do you call this?? "

Ossie replied, "DAAH is a Aeroplane in the distance!"

:D

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When Ossie was learning to ride his bicycle his mother took him to the park.

Ossie was riding around and around the park.

After a while, Ossie rode by and taking his feet off the pedals, shouted,

"Look Ma, nuh feet!!" Ossie’s mother say, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie took one hand off and shouts, "Look Ma, one

hand !!" Ossie’s mother says, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie took the other hand off and shouts, "Look Ma, nuh

hands!!" Ossie mother says, "Very good Ossie but be careful."

The next time around, Ossie comes walking and pushing his bicycle.

"Whuh happen?", asks Ossie’s mother.

"Look Ma, nuh teeth!!"

:o

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Ossie Moore had a bicycle and used to ride to work everyday.

One night Ossie was out drinking with the boys and next morning

he over slept. When Ossie jumps up, he was about an hour late.

Ossie puts on his clothes and rushes down the road. A fellow sees

Ossie going down the road fast, fast, fast with the bicycle upon top

his head. He asks Ossie "Wha he doin' wid de bicycle pun top he head?"

Ossie tells him, "Man I sa late fuh work I en got no time to get on

pun de bicycle."

:o

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This fellow was outside the rumshop, having a few, as it was his birthday, getting on bad and and asking people to guess how old he was.

Ossie More look at him and said, "Man you got to be 48 years old". The drunk was surprised, 'Ya right there, how you know."

Ossie replied, " I got a brother 24 years old ,and he is a haf-a idiot."

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Ossie went to the shop one morning to buy some fish cakes and some

rock cakes. When he gets home he start to eat a fish cake and he

noticed it had no fish in it. It was nothing but flour and water.

Ossie jumps upon his bicycle and heads back down to the

shop and start bussing the shopkeeper for 'tiefin' he money'

and selling fish cakes that didn't have any fish in them. So the

shopkeeper says, "But Ossie man, lookah wunna rock cakes. They does

got in rocks?"

:huh:

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Ossie Moore was walking by a big old mango tree one day from school.

He looks up in the tree and sees that it had "nuff nuff manguhs up in dere

an' ting." So he climbs up in the tree and starts feeling the mangos, until he

finds the biggest, juiciest, ripest one there. It was just the one that he wanted to eat.

Ossie then climbs back down the tree and starts pelting rocks at it!

:blink:

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One day Ossie went down in e father ground and found a yellow bunch of bananas.

Ossie sat down and eat all the bananas except 4,as his belly was full full.

Ossie look at the four bananas, and said , "Ya see wunnah, if i know dis would happen , I would eat you four first"

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Ya hear bout de time, Ossie girl friend laid down in from of he, half naked, and told Ossie to tek wha he want?

Ossies took out the elastic from she panties to mek a gutterperk.

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Ossie got to church late on the Sunday Morning, just as the church was singing the hymn,Holy! Holy! Holy!

Ossie ,shout, "wunnah gimme a chance, I only car way Miss Clarke chicken this morning cause ma muddah in had no meat today,"

Edited by Beep_Beep

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The Teacher , said , "Old McDonald had a farm. Ossie spell farm." Ossie replied " E-I-E-I-O."

Edited by Beep_Beep

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One day Ossie Moore’s mother was making his favorite pie for him because he

had been a good boy all week, and not caused any trouble at school.

So she says to Ossie, “How many pieces do you want me to cut your pie in?

Do you want it cut four pieces or eight pieces?”

Ossie thinks real real hard for a minute or so and says, ”Yo bettah cut it

in four, cause I duhn tink I kin eat eight pieces ah pie!!”

:huh:

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The first day Ossie lil brother went to school , when he came home , Ossie's mother asked the kid, 'Boy wha ya learn at school today, ? Spell COW."

"Ma", said Ossie , "why ya asking the boy to spell a big ting like a cow, why not ask him to spell something small like a mosquito."

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This fellow gave Ossie a ride in his bicycle bar, came to a hill,and he pushed and sweat like never before to get the bicyle over.

As he got to the top of the hill, he said, "Man Ossie you like ya put on a lot o weigt, I had to struggle to get you over that hill."

'Dah in tru", Ossie replied. '" I was holding de brakes on to stop you from runnuing back."

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Ossie had to go up by the hospital one day, and his mother said to him, 'Ossie don't pass through Nelson Street, dah is where the make children"

Curious, Ossie went through Nelson Street,and went home,'' Mah, Mah ya right, I passed through Nelson Street and saw a man finishing off making a woman using a drill bit."

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Ossie's mother sent him by Miss Brown to collect a table. As he was walking

home with it he realized that the table had four legs. Ossie then put down

the table in the road and continued on home without it. When asked by his

mother for the table, Ossie replied , “I got two legs and de table had four .

So I figure it would get home before me...”

:huh:

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The children in the class were ask to make a sentence with words chosen by the teacher. Ossie raised his hand and the teacher gave him the words "defeat" "deduct" "defense" and "detail". Ossie thought hard for a minute and then said.......

"De feet a de duck went over de fence before de tail."

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Miss Brown’s class was learning about 3 syllable words. One morning she

asked her students to think of a 3 syllable word and use it in a sentence.

Little Ossie was the first one to raise his hand, but Miss Brown called

on Captain.

"Beautiful," said Captain, "My teacher is beautiful."

"Thank you Captain." said Miss Brown. "Does anybody else have a word?"

Little Ossie is now waving both hands in the air, but, the teacher calls

on Beep. "Wonderful," says Beep, "My teacher is wonderful."

"Thank you Beep. Does anyone else have a word?"

By this time Little Ossie was jumping up and down and waving his hands

wildly. "Alright, Ossie, what is your word?"

Ossie stands up and very proudly states, "Urinate."

"Ossie!" gasps Miss Brown.

"Urinate, but if ya bubbies was bigger ya be a ten!"

:D

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Ossie lil boy got home from school all exited, ''Daddy I run home from school behind Charles bicycle. I save a bus fare."

" Boy,next time run home behind a Taxi,and save more."

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